Fellatio and the Premature Ejaculator

Author: Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist

Over 40 years ago, when sex therapy was still in its infancy, the first theory of why some men ejaculate rapidly speculated it was due to a history of conditioning. The theory held that if a man had grown up masturbating himself quickly to orgasm, he had conditioned himself to subsequently come quickly during intercourse or fellatio.

That theory was unproven and quickly dismissed by those of us in the field of academic and clinical sexology. Most men will readily confess to “jacking off” rapidly as a hormone-driven teenager because we didn’t want to be caught, might have felt a bit guilty and loved the sensation of coming and didn’t want to wait. That history of ‘wham, bam, thank you hand” self-pleasuring has been shown to be unrelated to adult ejaculatory control or lack thereof. Those still pointing to masturbatory conditioning are about 40 years out of date.

In general, it should be obvious that not everyone is sensitive to the same degree or to the same kind of stimulation. Some men will describe their nipples as sensitive, but others will not. Some women will orgasm with nipple stimulation alone, most cannot. Women’s clitorises are not all of the same responsiveness, and the simple truth is, the penises of some men are just more sensitive than those of others. Add sensitivity to size and shape to the list of unique differences between penises, and by the way, circumcision has no impact one way or the other on response time.

Another important fact. When a group of men were evaluated in terms of how fast they could come without any attempt at control, the average start-to-finish time was between two and three minutes! Without control, most men would be fast! Conditioning is not a factor, but sensitivity enters in, and on that continuum there are men who will ejaculate easily with fellatio and, at the other extreme, those who never will make it. This inability to orgasm during a blow job is just one of the many differences among men, and some women actually prefer the man who is not going to ejaculate in their mouths. These women love having unlimited time to enjoy both the pleasure of giving and receiving.

But, the topic of this article is fellatio and the premature ejaculator. I would first of all have us change the term. What is “premature?” When we talk of a premature birth, we are saying that the event occurred before it was time. It would not work to say that a premature ejaculator is one who reaches orgasm before his partner, because then we have to consider the woman’s sensitivity and we know that about 65% of all orgasmic women never reach orgasm during intercourse. I prefer to talk about the man who ejaculates rapidly, and that only becomes a problem when this quick response is of concern to the man and/or his partner. (Some couples love quickies and have no complaints.)

For those wanting to last longer and/or with a woman who wants her man to delay his ejaculation, the task is one of learning control . . . and this is dependent on both partners working together. Years ago sex therapists advocated the “squeeze technique.” The man would lie on his back with the woman on top. He would signal when he was getting close and she would rise up and squeeze the head of his erection between her thumb and first two fingers, holding it tight until he felt he had settled down. With fellatio, she would take her mouth off his penis and squeeze. Eventually, it was suggested that the woman need not remove herself from the man, but could simply reach down and squeeze the base. That seemed to work as well until research was done to evaluate the long-term retention of what had been learned. When studied over a two-year period, it was discovered that men who had seemed to have gained control with the squeeze technique (head or base) were right back where they started! Forget the squeeze, it is an unnecessary distraction!

It is true that many rapid ejaculators become so aroused that they lose track of where they are on their escalation toward the “point of ejaculatory inevitability,” their point of no return. There are some simple techniques to help slow the process. First of all, a man who is standing is more likely to ejaculate rapidly than the man who is lying on his back. The man who is thrusting will probably ejaculate sooner than the man who is relaxed. The man receiving long stroking with firm and fast stimulation is more likely to be winning the race in that dash toward his point of no return.

So, the easy behavioral starting point: The man should be on his back and totally relaxed. The woman who is now running the show needs to slow her up-down movement and should periodically pause and gently suck. She should use her hands, but keep everything light. The man is not without responsibility, and it is his duty to pay very close attention to his excitement level. This might mean closing his eyes so he isn’t focusing on the sight of the woman’s breasts. He dare not push to the brink of his point of ejaculatory inevitability, so he needs to signal the woman if he feels he is getting anywhere close. She should stop everything, but can continue to hold his penis in her mouth unless he indicates that even that is too much.

This is known as the “Start-Stop” approach. She builds him up, but he signals when he’s close and she backs off. Once he feels under control he lets her know and she begins again. During each encounter, this can be repeated for as many cycles as the couple desire, both during fellatio and intercourse. Eventually they will discover that with each new encounter, he is lasting a bit long before needing to stop her. In this process, the man is learning to closely monitor his response and the woman is learning how better to give pleasure without overstimulating that appreciative object of her attention.

There is one more issue, and that is level of desire. A man with a high libido, one who is very horny, is likely to ejaculate more rapidly than a man who is not as strongly driven. The length of time since his last ejaculation is also a factor in a man’s horniness and readiness to come. Each man must learn his own cycle, and if he is not having partner-sex often enough, it is his responsibility to masturbate in between encounters. If masturbation is necessary to maintain better control, the man should take advantage of these times to practice the start-stop procedure on his own.

Good sex is never work, but it cannot always be wild and out of control. Sometimes it does take a bit of consideration, a lot of communication and just enough effort to fine tune the loving encounter. Men must always monitor their excitement, although many couple do like keeping quickies as one of their options.

Dr. Birch was a psychologist with a specialty in sex therapy for over 35 years. He is now retired, but is the author of books on cunnilingus, premature ejaculation and female orgasm, as well as three erotic novels. He maintains an adult oriented web site of over 400 pages, http://www.oralcaress.com, featuring his free articles and his hand-picked DVDs, toys and other resources for the enhancement of sensual sexuality.